I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
