6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
