Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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