you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
