ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
