he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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