he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
