If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
