What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
