I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
