I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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