Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
