If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize