My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
