so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish there were birth control emojis
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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