I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
