If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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