She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
