Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
