She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
