Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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