i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
