After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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