i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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