I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
