shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
