No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
