I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
