Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
birth control should be required to get into college
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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