There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
