I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
