is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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