You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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