Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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