We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did I show you my penis last night?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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