my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Found your dick twin last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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