I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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