my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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