Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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