Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
