Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
