guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
