I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize