So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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