I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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