just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
