He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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