I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
that is very illegal...i love you.
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