He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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