Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Randomize
