I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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