Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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