if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Rumble strips road head = magical
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
