They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
