I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
