I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
