You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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