i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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