I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
