community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
